Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
