hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
