just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
