Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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