just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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