Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
