And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
