nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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