Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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