You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
