the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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