My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
