my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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