I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
