unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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