Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
