so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
