did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
