its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
