They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
so much tequila, so little girl.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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