i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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