Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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