I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
