69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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