You just made me feel so damn special
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
