you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He shit in the fireplace
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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