I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
