yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
