i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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