He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
