Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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