I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i need some magic done to my vagina
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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