Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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