Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
