Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
