He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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