Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
