i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
