The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
