Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
