Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
