and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My bed smells like the plague
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
