How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The best revenge is premature balding
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
