I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
