Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
