1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
