Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
