I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
