You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
