I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
